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:iconmebwrittings: More from MEBwrittings


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Devious Literature by Michel-le-fou

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Submitted on
December 30, 2012
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Time flies by without a trace.

Sometimes I feel I'm in a race.

A race that's never gonna end

With cheeriness I must pretend.


The goal of which is "happiness"

And the undeniable feeling to impress.

We all struggle on and carry our load

And sometimes it's too much to hold.


I for one have a particular care:

To do something I would not dare.

But I have to do it, no, I must!

I have to do it to earn their trust.


It's weird though it's so hard to do

And I'm all alone without a clue.

He said: "Tell me when you love again"

Yet he doesn't know what I must defend.


Poor me! I shall never find this happiness.

I was never and never will impress!

For I am lost without a doubt

Like the weary words coming from my mouth.


He'll never know for he does not see.

The pain that's brought by finding me.

                                        12-31-12
                                        ~M.E.B~





Another poem from my harrowed up feelings and emotions and whatever! Please comment! I hope you enjoyed it! :wave:

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:bulletred: Note :bulletred:
1.)I want to improve more so please comment.

2.)CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is very much welcome.

:iconwritingstream: Please join my group :D
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello, I wanted to let you know I used your wonderful title in my Found poem centred around titles from deviantArt as per =SilverInkBlot's project & TheTitlePage group.

I've included a link back to this piece on my description so others can view it too. :)
Reply
:iconfreedom-dreamer:
Freedom-Dreamer Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It came to my attention the other day that you somehow knew my sister's account and she said you were having a conversation with her, and that I had been MIA as far as commenting on your poetry. ^^; I'm sorry about that, but some things have been keeping me quite busy as of late. Between working and trying to spend time with my boyfriend/friends/family, I've not been on deviantART too much lately.
Anyway, I was reading through this poem to decide whether or not to include it in the group, and I couldn't help but notice a few of the comments as well. If you want some constructive criticism, I'd be very glad to offer you some. I noticed below you were talking about how it feels like your "poetry just went away". As a fellow writer, I can tell you that I know exactly how you feel, having gone through that point myself.
First of all, I would like to say that I really enjoy reading your work. Even if I don't comment as much, I do read everything that gets submitted to the group (after all, I want to know what kind of work is being put in the group). I think every writer has their own style, and yours is certainly interesting, so I always look forward to your submissions.
Going back to my original point with all of this, I wanted to offer a few tips I think might help you to improve. When you say your "poetry has gone away", I think it may be because of the content of your poems all seem to be similar. There's only so much you can write about one topic before it becomes a chore. And forgive me if this sounds rude, but this is actually something I have experienced for myself at some point or another. Looking back at all of my own poems, I realized they had all been written with similar content, and I had used up all of my inspiration from the topic I had chosen. It caused me to actually stop writing for a while. Then I had to do it for a project, and it turned into a last minute thing because I had no motivation left, and I was struggling at that point to come up with the words.
I could be completely off about this, and there could be something else going on that's totally different, and that's okay. This is only my opinion based off of my experience, and I'm not forcing you to see things this way. I'm really not trying to sound like a jerk here, but I think it comes off that way a little.
Anyway, I just wanted to offer you some criticism since you asked, and since I've been quite absent from commenting (again, I'm sorry XD), so I hope this helps, and I hope you can find some more inspiration soon. I look forward to more. :meow:
With best regards,
Lindsay.
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:iconmebwrittings:
MEBwrittings Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's alright. I don't think you sound like a jerk anyway. I know you're just trying to help. Thanks for the critic though. I really appreciate it :D
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:iconfreedom-dreamer:
Freedom-Dreamer Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad. XD
It's just hard to word things like that, but I really hope it helps you out.
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:iconmebwrittings:
MEBwrittings Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It will don't worry :D
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:iconfreedom-dreamer:
Freedom-Dreamer Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
c:
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:iconbeanindividual:
BeAnIndividual Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
beautiful. It really speaks to people, and I think you do a good job a relating to those who read your poems because people can feel your emotion you put into it and they can connect it with how they are feeling or may have felt in their life. Again, really beautiful poem.
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:iconoverdestiny:
overdestiny Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's so awesome I even read it as a song. That's how lyrical it is! : )
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:iconmebwrittings:
MEBwrittings Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It is a song :D I was singing this while typing. I want to post my other songs here to...but..I'm hesitating...somehow...If only I could sing it to you...
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:iconoverdestiny:
overdestiny Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Aww, I'm charmed! If you admire your own work then it's good enough to be published. The only thing to think over is how private it is and how people will react to it.
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