Sta.sh
I wish for a world where I can be free,
Where the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
I wish for a world where people show love,
Where people believe in the one who's above.
I wish for a world where evil will cease,
Where people don't die from a horrid disease.
I wish for a world with no rich nor poor,
A place where the starving will hunger no more.
I wish for a place where there will be no death,
A place full of content and not of regrets.
I wish for a place that is free of these crimes,
A place where people don't waste any time.
I wish for a place where all people care,
Where people don't mock you or laugh and just stare.
I wish for a place where people are good,
A place where nobody will ever beg for food.
I wish for a place where no one will lie,
A place full of happiness where no one will die.
I wish for a place where no one will cry,
Where no one will ever give a painful little sigh.
I wish for a place where all will have friends,
A place full of joys that never ends.
I wish for a place where there is no more pain,
Where people aren't judged that they are insane.
I wish for a place where we can all be together,
Where we are all sisters and brothers.
I wish for a place where no one will fight,
A place where everyone does what is right.
I wish for a place where people will see
That some of this is possible with just you and me.
~M.E.B.~
07-07-12
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Firstly, I would consider revising the title, as it tells too much of what your poem is about. Titles need to be catchy, but not tell too much of the actual piece so that they don't spoil it for the readers. There is a tricky balance with this, and sometimes it is very elusive.
Now, the crit:
To begin with you have executed a rhyming poem quite well, with only a few suspect areas.
"...nor poor/...no more"
- 'poor' has an oo-r sound while 'more' has an or sound, so they don't really rhyme.
"...are good/...for food"
- 'good' has a uhd sound while 'food' has an oo sound, so they don't really rhyme.
You have a repetitive rhyme with:
...will lie/...will die
...will cry/...little sigh
I would suggest changing one, or placing it later in the poem. The double 'i' rhyme there is distracting.
Your punctuation is good, and you pair commas and periods well. However, I would urge you to experiment with other forms of punctuation to make your poem more 'visually pleasing'.
With regards to rhythm and meter, this is generally good. There are some hiccups though.
"...no one will cry/...painful little sigh"
- The second line here is too long and is awkward to read fully. It throws off the rhythm.
"...will have friends/...that never ends"
- The second line here is too short and as such is difficult to read in rhythm with the previous line.
With regards to grammar, there were a few things I noticed.
"I wish for a world with no rich nor poor"
- the 'nor' should be 'or'.
"...these crimes"
- what crimes are you referring to, as you haven't mentioned any in the previous sentences
"A place full of joys that never ends"
- 'joys' should be 'joy' OR 'ends' should be 'end'
Good points
Rhyme
Rhythm
Punctuation
Points to work on
Line lengths contributing to rhythm
Some minor grammatical errors
Jo
Also, to the beggars, while I do believe that some portion of homeless people and people who beg (they are not always homeless!) truly need people's help, there is a lot of people who abuse the goodness of others and are purely lazy. Unfortunately, I do not help beggars anymore as in the city I live in you have more and more of them, some obviously doing quite well for themselves, dressed ok, healthy, but somehow unable to find a job. I call these people lazy and nothing else and it is not possible to distinguish those from people who really need your help. But it seems like you just feel sorry for every beggar, even those who don't deserve it?
I totally agree that you should help people who need it - I was just saying that in today's society it is becoming harder and harder to distinguish them from those lazy people.